Englishmen Jokes – Funny England Humor

Two gentlemen meet on the deck of a ship.
- Terrible boredom, sir, - says one. - Would you like to play cards?
- I would be glad, sir, but alas, the last time I played was fifteen years ago.
- It's okay, I myself played twenty years ago. Steward, bring in a deck of cards.
The steward brings the cards. The first one takes the deck, weighs it in the palm of his hand and says:
- One card is missing.
The second one also estimates the deck in the palm of his hand and clarifies:
- Yes, eight of spades.

London. Club. Outside the window, snow, blizzard. In front of the fireplace, in deep, comfortable armchairs, two gentlemen. The aroma of expensive cigars, cognac, complete peace ...
- Christmas is coming soon...
- Ye-es, Christmas...
- Christmas is good...
- Yes, Christmas is good...
- But..., intercourse is better...
- Yeah... sexual intercourse is better... But Christmas is more often...

There was a boy in the family of a noble lord who did not speak from birth. And then one day, at breakfast, at the age of 16, he, tasting tea, says:
- Why is the tea cold?
All at once:
- Sonny! You have spoken! What joy! Why have you remained silent until now?
- Everything has been fine so far...

An old English lady talking to her adult son:
- John, you have already reached the age when it's time to think about marriage. For example, Miss Hamilton - a famous surname, a huge dowry, and not bad-looking.
- Yes, I understand, mom, but I don't like her.
- Maybe Miss Anders? She has a lesser known surname, but also a good dowry ...
- You know, Mom, I don't like her either.
- Well, John, then tell yourself, whom would you like to marry?
- I'm embarrassed to say this, but I would like to marry our stableman...
- How! But he's a Catholic!

An English aristocrat calls home late at night from a club. A servant picks up the phone.
- Tom?
- Yes, sir!
- Go check what my wife is doing. A minute later, Tom returns and calmly reports:
- Sleeping with you, sir!
- What?! Tom, take a gun from my office and shoot them both! Do not hang up: as you kill, report to me.
Twenty minutes later the servant answers the phone:
- Hello? Done, sir!
- Tom, why did you take so long with them?
- Couldn't hit your wife, sir. She ran around the fountain in the living room.
- What are you talking about, Tom? We don't have a fountain in the living room!
- Excuse me, sir, but there is a fountain.
- Oh shit, looks like I dialed the wrong number again...

Two English gentlemen meet.
- Sir, were you at the theater on Thursday?
The other gentleman takes out a notebook and looks into it:
- Yes, it was...
- Sir, were you there with my wife?
He looks into the book.
- Yes, with her.
- Sir, I don't like this.
He looks back at the book.
- I didn't like her either.

An archery competition is taking place in England. The target is an apple on the servant's head. The first shooter comes out: dressed - beautifully, the bow shines with silver, shoots - hits the bullseye. Approaches the judges - says:
- I am Robin Hood!
Applause.
The second shooter comes out: dressed - perfectly, the bow - glitters with gold, shoots - hits the apple with the first arrow. Approaches the judges - says:
- I am Richard Lion Heart!
Stormy applause.
The third shooter comes out: clothes - dirty, torn; a bow - from a crooked piece of wood, a bowstring - from an ordinary rope, an arrow - a curve, Shoots - and hits the servant in the face. Approaches the judges - says:
- I am sorry.

England. Medieval castle. In one of the rooms, two little girls are sitting with their nannies and talking about boys. It strikes 7 o'clock in the evening, the butler enters:
- Your tea, ladies.
10 years pass. Young girls with nannies sit in the room and talk about guys. 7 o'clock and the butler enters.
- Your tea, ladies.
Another 10 years pass. Two adult women are sitting in a room talking about their husbands. 7 o'clock and the butler.
- Your tea, ladies.
Another 10 years have passed. Two elderly women are sitting and talking about other people's husbands. 7 o'clock and the butler.
- Your tea, ladies.
Another 10 years. Two old women are sitting in the room and they don't talk about anything anymore. It strikes 7 o'clock and there is no butler. 8 o'clock, there is no butler. 9 o'clock - he is still missing. At 10 o'clock the old women finally decide to see what happened to the butler. They go up to his room, and he is lying on the bed drunk.
- What's the matter, John? - they ask.
- God, how tired I am of this tea of ??yours!

The Titanic is sinking, people are drowning. A group of lucky people in a lifeboat is sailing to a distant shore. A week of sailing, another ... Finally, hunger becomes unbearable. Together they decide: according to the ancient maritime custom, casting lots - whoever is not lucky, they eat them. They ate a German, ate a Frenchman, ate a Russian... It's the Englishman's turn.
- Permit me, according to the custom of my country, to make a short speech!
- Okay, just make it short!
- Ladies and gentlemen! I hope one of you has a prospectus of our beautiful liner with you?!
- Yes, we do!
- Please open to page 30 and read!
- "Each lifeboat has a second bottom, under which there is a supply of canned food and drinks for three months - - Why didn't you say this before when we ate people?!
- You see, gentlemen, I personally can't stand canned food.

Barrymore, what do we have for breakfast today?
- Oatmeal, sir.
- Barrymore, what are we having for lunch?
- Oatmeal, sir.
- Barrymore, what do we have for dinner?
- Meatballs...
- Hooray!!!
- .. made of oatmeal, sir.