Best new jokes. Jokes of the week.

Three English businessmen were having dinner at the club. When it came time to pay the bill, everyone reached for it.
- Business expenses, - one said.
- I'll pay, - said another. - I have a government contract, they will reimburse me.
- Give it here, - insists the third. - I'm filing for bankruptcy this week.

There is a competition for the most beautiful horse in Switzerland. The Englishman's horse wins.
The owner of the horse must ride it to receive a prize from the hands of the king. And now, when he rides up to the podium, the horse makes an obscene sound throughout heard across the square. The crowd froze, the Englishman blushed to the roots of his hair and said in a breaking voice:
- I'm sorry, Your Majesty!
- You know, - replies the king, - if you hadn't apologized, I would have thought your horse did it.

The servant addresses the lord:
- Sir, I dare say there is a fire in the kitchen.
The owner of the house slowly puts down the Times and says:
- Report it to the lady of the house. You know, Robins, I don't do housework.

Somehow an Englishman ended up on a desert island. He lived there, lived for a long time, and finally the rescuers arrived. Well, they look at how he got settled there, inspect everything, and ask ...
- And what kind of hut is this?
- And this is my house, I live here.
- And what is this huge beautiful hut not far from your house?
- And this is the club I go to.
- And what is it there, on the other side of the island, such an abandoned little hut is standing?
- And this is the club I'm ignoring.

Evening, rain. An English gentleman is sitting by the fireplace with his legs stretched out to the fire. The door opens and another English gentleman passes by him (without saying a word) and goes up to his wife's bedroom. The Englishman continues melancholy stirring the logs in the fireplace. Half an hour later another gentleman leaves the bedroom of his wife in a state close to complete confusion:
- Sir, today your wife was extremely cold to me...
The other gentleman continues to move the wood in the fireplace:
- She did not differ in temperament even during her lifetime ...

An Englishman and a Swede are playing golf. A funeral procession passes by. The Englishman takes off his hat, stands silently for a few seconds, then picks up his club again.
- What a touching gesture, - says the Swede.
- It's not a gesture. We were married to her for almost twenty-five years.

Two Englishmen are playing golf. One takes aim for a long time and cannot hit at all.
- I'm not sure of myself today, - he says, as if justifying himself. - I'm afraid I won't hit the target - my wife is standing there in the distance.
- Yes, - agrees the second, - it's hard to hit her from such a distance.

The old English earl married a young lady. It comes to the wedding night. The earl calls the butler John and asks to hold the candelabra. Having completed his business, he asks his wife:
- Well, how did you like it, dear?
- Not really... - she responds.
Then the earl turns to John:
- John, take my place, and I will hold the candelabra ...
When John completed the earl asks:
- Well, honey, how did you like it his time?
- Wow! It was incredible!
Earl:
- You see, John, how important it is to properly hold the candelabra!!

- Watson, what are you smoking? Let me guess - "Queen Virginia" tobacco with cherry leaves, from the anniversary issue in velvet packaging?
- Amazing, Holmes! How did you guess?
- By God, Watson! It couldn't be Mrs. Hudson who stole the last pack from my room!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are flying in a balloon.
They flew into the clouds and lost orientation. Landed in an unknown area. They see a man walking by. Sherlock Holmes:
- Sir, can you tell us where we are?
The man thought for a long time and answered:
- In a balloon basket, sir.
Sherlock Holmes:
- You see, Watson - before you is a typical example of a programmer.
Dr. Watson:
- Why did you decide so, Holmes?
- Well, firstly, he thought for a very long time over a simple question, secondly, he answered _ABSOLUTELY_ correctly, and thirdly, his answer is of no use to us.