Best funny psychiatrist jokes, psychotherapist jokes, and mental hospital jokes:
At the appointment with a psychotherapist:
Doctor, everyone is ignoring me.
A pilot, a stewardess and a group of mentally ill people are flying in an airplane. The stewardess brought everyone a bottle of Coca-Cola. Five minutes later she comes back, sees that there is no one, only one sobbing psycho.
- Where did everyone go? she asks.
- Everyone left to hand over the bottles for recycling, and mine has a broken bottleneck!
Nelson was mortally afraid of thunder. Desperate, he went to the famous psychiatrist.
- Well, it's funny! the doctor laughed. - Thunder is the same natural phenomenon as many others. Therefore, there is nothing to be afraid of him. As soon as you hear thunder, do what I do - get under the bed and you'll be fine.
Doctor, how can I treat my husband? - a visitor asks the psychiatrist.
- Madame, he is absolutely healthy.
- But yesterday he ran home and shouted that all the dogs were walking down the street with open umbrellas!
- Don't you remember how hard it rained yesterday?
"They let the fool out of the mental hospital, everyone is surprised:
- How did they let you out, stupid?
- We had a test! Whoever crawls through the keyhole will be released. For one, the shoulder didn't get through, the other - a leg, but I refused.
- And why?
- What am I, a fool? After all, the key was inserted on the other side!
Police? They're calling from a psychiatric hospital. A patient ran away from us.
- What is he like?
- Bald and shaggy.
- How can this be?
- I told you he's crazy.
Psychiatrist speaks to a patient:
- So, every night you dream about some nightmarish creature that rushes at you, screams, and hits you on the head with a rolling pin? Surely this vision disappears after waking up?
- That's just the point, it is not, doctor! In the morning, it usually screams: "Stop sleeping, loafer, take the children to school".
Psychiatrist says to a patient:
- In vain you complain of an inferiority complex. On the contrary, you are extremely correct in assessing your capabilities.
Two psychiatrists are talking. One of them says:
- I'm currently dealing with an exceptionally interesting case of split personality.
- Yes? And what is this interesting case?
- The fact is that I managed to persuade each of them to pay me for treatment.
The psychiatrist asks the patient:
- Tell me, madam, are there any cases of megalomania in your family?
- There is, doctor, there is! My husband sometimes claims to be the head of the family!