Jokes about husband & wife relationship:
- How would you describe me?
- What does that mean?
- Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.
- Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?
- I'm just kidding!
Three female friends meet.
One is married for 10 years. Another is a mistress. The third is engaged.
Discussed their men, at the end of it - decided to experiment:
Eac agreed to put on leather black lingerie - sexy stockings with a belt - high heels - an eye mask and so meet your loved ones.
A week later they meet again.
The bride tells: - He came home, I met him in stockings, in a mask on high heels - he attacked me and said that I was the love of his life and we had sex all night.
The mistress says: - I came to his office - closed the door - opened the raincoat - and there was leather underwear, a mask, heels - he did not say anything, but we had sex for 5 hours without a break.
The wife says embarrassed: - husband came home from work, I opened the door in leather black lingerie, sexy stockings and a mask - he looked and asked: "What's for dinner, Batman?"
Why do men have horizontal forehead wrinkles, while women have vertical ones?
Because the wife asks:
- Where's the money? (Frowns his brows.)
And the man:
- What money? (Opens eyes wide.)
- James, dear, you love me, don't you, darling?
- In short, what do you need to buy?
One female friend confidentially tells the second:
- My husband has been helping me a lot for the last two weeks: taking care of the children, cooking, shopping, cleaning the apartment, washing - in general, he does everything.
- Well, you know, dear, you just got lucky. How did you achieve this?
- You see, he read an article in a magazine that if the hostess is not very tired, she is more active in her sexual life.
- Well, did it help?
- To be honest, I don't know. By the end of the day, he can barely make it to bed.
In the midst of a family battle, the wife shouts to her husband:
- It would be better if I married the devil himself!
The husband calmly remarked:
- But that's impossible: marriages between close relatives are forbidden.
When the light turns on in the cinema hall after the end of the film, Margaret suddenly sees her husband sitting in front of her.
- Ah, - she cries, - so this is how you watch after the children while I take care of my sick mother?!
Family idyll: the husband reads the newspaper, the wife knits, the dog is at her feet, the fire is burning in the fireplace. The wife says to her husband:
- I beg you, don't say 'yes dear' every time the dog growls in his sleep.
A husband arrives from a business trip abroad. His wife meets him with cooked dinner. The husband ate and says:
- When I ate in a restaurant abroad, there was a golden border on each plate. A trifle, but nice!
Then he goes to wash his hands:
- They have a naked woman embroidered on each towel. A trifle, but nice!
- But the neighbor's dick is 1 cm longer. A trifle, but nice!
At breakfast, a husband tells his wife a dream he had last night.
- You see, I dreamed that I died and moved on the path to paradise. At the fist steps of Jacob's ladder, I was handed a piece of chalk and told to mark on each step the sin I had committed in my life. And when I have already marked a few steps, suddenly I see you go down...
- What, they didn't let me in?
- No, dear, you went downstairs to get another piece of chalk.