Husband and Wife Jokes – Funny Marriage Humor

- I don't pay attention to you?! - Emilia is indignant in response to her husband's reproaches. - Only this week I entrusted you with the general cleaning of the entire apartment, allowed you to wash the dishes three times and allowed to even knock out the carpet!

The husband returned home with a red stripe on his forehead.
- Lipstick! - The wife gasped in anger.
- No, it's blood. There was an accident on the way home and I hit my head on the steering wheel of the car.
- Well, your luck, if so!

- Darling, I had a wonderful dream, as if I was still single and asking for your hand ...
- And why are you so happy?
- You said "No"...

A man enters a jewelry store. A saleswoman:
- Oh, man, it's good that you came to us, on Valentine's Day we have a 20% discount for two weeks, buy something as a gift for your girlfriend.
Here is a heart-shaped gold pendant, your girlfriend will love it.
The man is sad
- I don't have a girlfriend...
Saleswoman coquettishly:
- Such a prominent, handsome, tall man and no girl? Why?!
The man sadly:
- My wife won't let me :(

A bride talks to her future husband:
- When you become my husband, my love, I will share with you all your worries and sorrows!
- Thank you, dear, but I have no worries and sorrows.
- Well, I said: "When will you become my husband!"

In a chic restaurant, a waiter approaches a couple and asks the man:
- What does your wife drink?
- My blood, - says the man.

Teresa and Leon live in complete harmony: the same tastes, the same ideas, the same desires...
.. Only Leon took five years to adapt to this.

One man shows another a photograph of a group of women:
- With each of them, I had love at the resort. The second man, looking at the picture, sees his wife in the photo with horror and timidly asks:
- And this one too?
- No, this one turned out to be honest: as she came with her husband, so she left with him.

The couple stopped at the zoo in front of the aviary with monkeys. Suddenly, a powerful gorilla, with an incredible effort of monstrous muscles, parted the bars of the cage, grabbed the wife and instantly tore off her clothes.
- God! What to do? - the wife screams in horror.
- That which is always, - the husband replies melancholy, - Tell him you have a headache.

The wife left on a business trip. The husband sends her a telegram two days later:
"Where are our forks, spoons, knives, period"
The wife replies: "You need to spend the night at home period"
A week later, the husband sends a telegram again: "Where are our knives, forks, spoons period?"
Three weeks later, the wife returns from a business trip. The husband immediately asks:
- Why couldn't you write properly where our spoons, knives and forks are?
- I told you, you need to spend the night at home, - the wife answers, goes to the bed, throws back the blanket, and there are knives, spoons and forks.