Office Jokes

It's good to work two jobs! Lots of money!
But not because they pay a lot, but because there is no time to spend ...

You have to work a lot, intensively, seven days a week, until smoke comes out of your ass. Only then you will be able to afford the most expensive antidepressants and the coolest psychotherapist.

The first working day of a young journalist. Got the task to write an article, turned on the computer, sits, does not know how to start. An experienced colleague passes by. The young journalist grabs him by the sleeve, asks:
- Excuse me, I don't know how to start, can you help?
He replied:
- Yes, everything is simple. You write:" it became known from reliable sources that ...", and then you carry on with any garbage that comes to mind.

The director of the office to a subordinate:
- All right, I've had enough! You're fired!
- Fired? And I thought that slaves are sold!

The manager is talking to a young man who wants to get a job:
- In our company, - the manager says, - they care a lot about cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat in front of the door when entering?
- Oh yes, of course.
- Secondly,- the manager continues, - we require honesty from our employees. There is no mat there.

A man enters his boss's office and pours a jar of ink on boss's head. Then he climbs onto the table and starts dancing. At this moment, his colleague looks into the office and says:
- Stop it, Jean! We were joking, you didn't win ten million dollars in lottery!

A man comes to the company to get a job. They ask him:
- How many languages do you know?
- Three.
- And which ones?
- English, French, and Spanish.
- Well, say something in Spanish.
- Gutten tag.
- It's German!
- Well, that means four.

The management of a large bank received a signal that things are very bad in one of the bank's branches. Operations are almost not performed, activity is close to zero. The auditor went to check this matter.
The auditor comes to this branch at the height of the working day. He goes inside, no one is there. Only from the director's office are voices heard:
- ... he could well removed the clubs...
-... he removed the clubs, well, but the spades remained ...
- ... two, of course, we will give him ...
- ... two, this is the minimum ....
The auditor looks into this office and wows - the director of the department and 3 clerks are playing cards. So, thinks the auditor, now I will show them.
He returns to the operating room and presses the alarm button. The siren starts to howl. The auditor releases the button, the siren subsides, and from the office is heard:
- ... first, calmly take away the club ...
- ... and the move from whom?
Again the inspector presses the button. And again after the siren:
- ... and now we cut through the hearts...
- ... he definitely doesn't have clubs...
The inspector thinks, - "No, I will get you." He presses the button a third time. A waiter from the pub from across the street enters the door from the street, carries 4 beers:
- Yes, I hear, I hear, I am bringing the beers ...

A worker asks his boss:
What is criticism from above and what is criticism from below?
- I will be better if l show it to you. He himself stood on the balcony, and ordered the worker to stand below. Then he spat and got the worker on the head:
- This is criticism from above, and now you spit!
The worker spat and got himself on the head.
The boss: - And this is criticism from below!

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology:
- And what starting salary are you looking for?
- In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.
- Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?
The engineer sits up straight and says:
- Wow! Are you kidding?
The interviewer replies:
- Yeah, but you started it.