Harry Potter Jokes

There are only two patrons in the Hogsmeade bar, one drunkenly tripping over the other's foot.
- Oh, I'm sorry! Can I get you a beer?
- With pleasure!
They drink.
The first one says:
- And you, friend, where will you be from?
- From England.
-Yah? And I'm from England! Let's drink to England?
They drink.
- What school did you go to?
- Hogwarts, graduated in 2004.
- Oh wow! What a coincidence! I am also in 2004 and also Hogwarts school!
At this time, a third client enters the bar, says to the bartender:
- Pour me a mug. What's new here?
Bartender: - Nothing, the Weasley twins got drunk again ...

Once Snape began to practice healing. Once Dumbledore was having lunch with him and Snape asked the headmaster to write something for him in the Hogwarts guest book. Dumbledore writes:
- Ever since Professor Snape started treating our students, the question of closing the hospital wing has been raised...
- Oh! You flatter me! - says the professor, standing behind the director.
He continues to write:
- ...And about the construction of a cemetery on the territory of Hogwarts ...

Snape tells the first years in the first period,
- There are two things I hate most in life, the first is dirt. Have you all wiped your feet on the doormat?
First-year students scared:
- Yes, yes, yes ...
- And secondly, I hate liars even more! Where did you see the doormat at the threshold?

Professor Snape showed how to brew the potion and asked:
- If you don't understand, please stand up!
Harry Potter was the only one to stand up. Snape asks him:
- Are you the dumbest one here?
- No, but I feel uncomfortable when you stand alone!

Harry returns from the forest and says to Ron:
- And I picked mushrooms in the forest for Professor Snape!
- What if they are poisonous?
- What do you mean "if"?

Hermione, with tears in her eyes, complains to Harry:
- And my Crookshanks was zapped and died!
- Oh, I am sorry? But how did it happen?
- Yes, I zipped my jacket, but he did not have time to remove his head!

One of the magical journals is interviewing Dumbledore. The reporter:
- Tell me, Mr. Director, how did you manage to grow such a gorgeous beard.
- You see, a friend of mine who is into Muggle technology gave me an electric razor, and I threw away my old razor.
- And what did you do with the electric razor?
- Nothing, - Dumbledore shrugged, - now I'm waiting for the electricity to be brought to Hogwarts.

Voldemort is walking down the street, he sees a little girl standing. He tells her:
- Oh, you poor orphan, take a coin!
She says:
- What , do I look like an orphan to you, my dad is standing there!
- Avada Kedavra! Oh, you poor orphan, take the coin!

Harry came to the pet store in Diagon Alley:
- I'm tired of Hedwig, I want exotic, I want a talking animal!
- We have a talking centipede.
Harry bought a centipede, came home, fed it and decided to take it for a walk.
- Well? Shall we go for a walk?
The centipede is silent and fumbles about something.
- Ah, bastards, deceived me, she does not speak at all!
- Wait, Potter, can't you see, I'm putting on my shoes.

Film "Harry Potter".
Part One - "Harry Potter Ate the Philosopher's Stone"
And its sequel - "Harry Potter does not get out of the chamber of secrets."