Army Jokes

- Where do you work?
- It's a state secret!
- And what does your factory produce?
- It's a military secret!
- How much do you get paid?
- Not enough, five dollars for a grenade ...

A company commander in front of a platoon at a tactical exercise:
- Imagine that a propeller wing flies out from behind that hill ...
- Captain, probably not a propeller wing, but a helicopter.
- Last name?
- Smith, Captain.
- Break down! Get down, get up, get down, get up, get down, get up, get in line! And here is this propeller throws a nuked bomb at you.
- Captain, probably not a nuked bomb, but a nuclear bomb.
- Last name?
- Smith, Captain.
- Break down! Get down, get up, get down, get up, get down, get up, get in line! And here is that propeller throws a nuked bomb at you. What will you all do?
- I will lie down with my feet to the explosion, and I will cover my head with a cape ...
- I'll hide in a trench deeper ...
- Rescue the commander...
- Last name?
- Smith, Captain.
- Break down! Plato-o-o-on! Get down, get up, get down, get up, get down, get up...

There is mobilization in the forest. The wolf terribly does not want to go to the front line. But one day he receives a summons to the military registration and enlistment office.
There is nothing to do - the Wolf goes to the military registration and enlistment office. Along the road, he meets a Hare, such a cheerful one.
The wolf asks:
- Why are you so cheerful, Hare?
The hare says:
- Yes, I was in the military enlistment office - they took me to the construction battalion.
- How did you manage to get into the construction battalion?
- I came, they began to show me different pistols there, grenades, machine guns and ask 'What is this?' I began to say that I did not know. In the end, they took out a brick from the safe and showed it to me too. I said that it was a brick and they took me to the construction battalion.
The wolf was inspired and with a firmer gait went to the recruiting office. In the recruiting office they showed him a gun and asked: "What is this?"
Wolf: - I don't know!
They showed him a cartridge. The wolf again: "I don't know!" They show a machine gun, a grenade, dynamite ... The wolf is tired, he says:
- But I know that you have a brick in your safe.
- How do you know? - they ask.
Wolf: - I have my sources, so I know.
- Well done - you will go to reconnaissance!

Three officers are sitting in the dining room (a tanker, a rocketeer, and a pilot) arguing over whose doctors are better:
Tankman:
- We had a case, a tank at the tankodrome drove into the "gas" zone, all hatches are automatically battened down. The tank commander did not have time to hide inside - three fingers of his right hand were cut off by the hatch. Our doctors collected the fingers in a plastic bag with ice. The victim was taken to the medical center. Sew on the fingers. Now the officer is serving - saluting ...
Rocketeer:
- These are the little things! Here we had a case! An officer was walking along the site. Suddenly, a shaft opened under his feet and he went there ... and at that time a rocket launched from the shaft ... The body was cut in half. Our doctors collected the halves of the body in plastic bags with ice, dragged them into medical center, stitched. Now the officer is serving, saluting...
Pilot:
- Banal stories ... Here we had a case! The pilot performed a turn on a fighter and crashed into a rock ... They searched for the body for a week. Found an ass and a tongue. Our doctors put what they found in a plastic bag, brought it to the medical center, and sewed it together. Now - he moved up in ranks and works at Pentagon ...

The sergeant was preparing his unit for the visit of the inspecting lieutenant.
- The colonel usually asks three questions: "How old are you? How long have you served in the army? What kind of life do you prefer - military or civilian?" Your answers should be "Twenty years", "Six months" and "Both". Remember these answers well. On the appointed day, the colonel arrived and, walking around the line of soldiers, turned to one of them:
- How long do you serve?
- Twenty years, sir.
- How old are you?
- Six months.
The colonel leaned towards the soldier and quietly, in a friendly way, asked him:
- Whose head do you think is wrong, yours or mine?
- Both, sir.

Sentry on duty. Major approaches.
- Last name?
- Private Smith!
- How many people are in the company?
- Seventy!
- And in the battalion?
- Two hundred and fifty!
- Why are you telling military secrets? What if I'm a spy?
A shot is fired. Soldier:
- Look, what a bastard!

The instructor offered an introduction to the bomber crew:
- There is a fire on board and you must leave the plane. However, the cockpit lantern did not shoot back, and the cover of the navigational hatch stuck. Your actions, Lieutenant Smith?
- I will eject through the lantern, - the commander of the airship replied.
- Okay, - said the instructor, - you will leave the plane, but you will break your head and die. Co-pilot, what are you doing?
- I'll leave the plane through the opening made by the Lieutenant.

The lieutenant calls his friend at work:
- Hello, dork!
- Do you know who you're talking to? - an unfamiliar voice is heard in the receiver
- No
- I am the general.
- Do you know who you're talking to? - asks the lieutenant
- No
- Well, nice! - says the lieutenant and hangs up.

After the training firing, the worried platoon commander came with a report to the battalion commander.
- Sir, the recruits in my unit have some strange habits. After shooting exercises with personal weapons, they wipe their fingerprints with a handkerchief.
- Tell me, what state are they from?
- From Texas, sir.

Two tankmen were discussing a recent incident in the unit.
- Don't you think, Joe, that the commander was too harsh on Private Williams? In the end, the only thing he did was enter his tent without permission.
- Yes, but he just didn't enter, but drove into it on a tank.