Religious Jokes

A man went to hell after death. They explained to him that every thousand years the punishment changes, and he was offered to choose the first one.
First, he was shown a cell where a young man was whipped. The newbie didn't like it.
Then he was brought to a place where an older sinner was being tortured by fire. The man did not stay there either.
In the next cell, a stunning blonde gave a blowjob to an old man. The man chose this. The devil approached the blonde and said:
- Let's go, your torment is over...

Arriving at the refectory for lunch, the seminary students saw a poster over a dish of apples:
"Take only one apple. God is watching you."
At the other end of the table was a large tray of cookies, above which someone had pinned a note:
"Take as many cookies as you like while the Lord watches over the apples."

A lonely old woman's beloved dog died. The old woman came to the priest with a request to come and bury her pet. The priest indignantly remarked that it was blasphemy to bury animals, and jokingly advised her to turn to the Baptists in the next block.
Before leaving, the old woman asked:
- Do you think two thousand dollars will be enough for the ceremony?
- Why didn't you immediately say that the dog is Catholic?

The doctor after examining his patient was very pleased with his state of health.
- And with sex, of course, everything is all right with you? - the doctor asks.
- Twice a week usually works out ...
- Two times a week?! Yes, with your complexion and health, you can do this three times a day!
- I would also like more, but for a Catholic priest in a small village, this is rather difficult!

A picture of hell: a man is sitting in a chair, a gorgeous naked blonde is on his knees, next to him is a barrel of fresh, cold beer. _BUT!_ there's a hole in the bottom of the barrel, but not in the blonde!

At the gates of heaven, apostle Peter picks up a drunken man who does not remember anything about himself. What to do with him, where to go? The case is complex, need to consult with the Chief.
Jesus: - Well, maybe you remember something?
Man: - I remember, but not much. I was either a joiner or a carpenter. And I had a son. Maybe a man, maybe not. And then he went to wander around the world and became famous, very famous, and the whole world learned about him from a book ...
Jesus: Dad!
Man: - Pinocchio!

A new priest came to the village and decided to get acquainted with the parishioners by personally visiting each house. And now he knocks on the door. A woman's voice comes from behind the door:
- Is that you, my angel?
- No, but I'm from the same firm.

Sinner in hell:
- Why have I been fried for the second year in the same oil?
- Because you're a French fries merchant.

One day, after finishing the service, the priest said:
- Next Sunday I will talk with you on the topic of lies. To make it easier for you to understand what will be discussed, read the seventeenth chapter of the Gospel of Mark before this at home.
The following Sunday, the priest, before starting his sermon, announced:
- I ask those who completed the task and read the seventeenth chapter to raise their hands.
Almost all the parishioners raised their hands.
- It was with you that I wanted to talk about lies, - said the priest. - There is no seventeenth chapter in the Gospel of Mark.

In one small American town, a businessman decided to open a tavern. The trouble is that he was on the same street as the church.
Naturally, the church leadership did not like this, and at every sermon they called on the townspeople to oppose and pray that God would punish the negligent businessman. The day before the announced opening of the tavern there was a strong thunderstorm, lightning struck the tavern and it burned it to the ground. The churchmen were delighted, but not for long - the owner of the tavern filed a lawsuit against them demanding compensation for the damage. They, of course, denied everything.
After listening to both sides, the judge remarked: "I still do not know what verdict to take, but it follows from the case file that some owner of the tavern believes in the power of prayer, but for some reason the entire church leadership does not..."