Our Jokes:
Newlywed Jokes
Lighthearted Jokes About Love, Marriage, and Newlywed Life
The newlywed stage is full of love, surprises, and little discoveries about sharing life together.
These newlywed jokes celebrate the humor of early marriage — from learning each other’s habits to navigating everyday moments as a married couple.
Warm, playful, and gently relatable, this collection of newlywed humor is perfect for couples, friends, and anyone who remembers what it’s like to start married life with laughter.
The newlyweds, after a long and tiring wedding day, finally found themselves together. The happy husband sits down on the bed and says:
- How I have been looking forward to this moment!
- Did your new shoes also were pressing on your toes?
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A man asks his friend:
- I heard you got married?
- Yes.
- Is she pretty?
- They say she looks like the Mother of God. Look at her photo.
The man looks.
- Mo-o-o-other of God !!!
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A man and a woman got married, he said to her:
- Since you are my wife, you must respect my habits. I have three! First. Every Wednesday I play football with my friends. Rain, snow, whatever happens I play FOOTBALL! Understood?
- Understood, - the wife replies.
- Second. Every Friday I play poker with my friends. Understood?
- Understood, - the wife replies.
- And, finally, the third. Every Sunday I go fishing. Winter, cold, mother-in-law's birthday - it doesn't matter. I have FISHING! Understood?
- Understood, - the wife replies.
- Well? What do you say?
- I understood everything.
- Are there any objections?
- No.
- Maybe you also have some habits?
- Yes, just one. I have sex every night at 9 pm. There is a husband at home, no husband at home - it doesn't matter, I have sex!
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A newly wed husband tells her wife:
- This soup could have been boiled for a hundred liters,- the husband says to his wife.
- Did you like it that much?
- No, it just wouldn't be so salty then.
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The newlywed reproachfully says to his wife:
- We have been married for the first day, and you are already quarreling with me!
- But I have been waiting for this day for two whole years.
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Two women talk:
- Is it true that you married your daughter to your cashier?
- Pure truth.
- But you didn't trust him.
- I still don't trust. But now he will bring the money stolen from me to my daughter.
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- Well, dear, is it tasty? - the young wife asks her husband after the first dinner she has cooked.
- Not bad! But next time, dear, don't forget to add some soup to the salt.
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- Before the wedding, you promised that you would fulfill my smallest desire, - the wife reproaches her husband.
- Did I lie? Tell me what is your smallest wish, and I will fulfill it immediately.
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Wedding. After the ceremony, the groom approaches the priest and asks:
- How much do I owe you?
- We don't take money. But if you want to donate to the church, do it.
- How much?
- Well, according to the beauty of your bride.
The groom hesitates, then takes a dollar out of his pocket and gives it to the priest. The priest chuckles, turns the dollar in his hands. Then he looks under the veil and hands the groom a change:
- Take the change...
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A young couple did not have children for a long time. They were advised to go to Rome and light a candle in St. Peter's Cathedral ... A few years later, the man who gave advice to the spouses accidentally ended up in the town where they lived and decided to visit them. On the threshold of the house he was met by a gang of children.
- Where is your mother? - asked the adviser.
- She's at the birth hospital.
- And dad?
- And dad went to Rome to blow out some damned candle!
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