Scottish Jokes

A Scot enters the bar and, turning to the bartender, says:
- A glass of whiskey.
- What price would you like, - the bartender asks, - five pence or ten pence?
- What does it depend on? - asks the Scot.
- Ten pence if you sit at a table and therefore take a seat, and five pence if you drink standing up.
- What if I drink while standing on one leg?

A Scottish farmer returned from Liverpool with diamond earrings. His wife meticulously examined the gift, asked:
- Maybe they aren't gold? And the stones are something like fake ...
- What do you know about jewelry? I paid a whole pound for your earrings!

It is not true that all Scots are very callous people, - said the old Scot
- So my friends and I recently played poker, and one of us suddenly grabbed his heart and fell. He didn't get up again. And, I can assure you, we took it very seriously: we finished the game standing.

The owner of a Scottish firm says to his employees:
- This year you all worked well, and the company's income has grown. For this each will receive a check for twenty pounds. If you perform as well next year, I will sign these checks.

Four Scots were returning from work and decided to have a drink. Everyone agreed, but when they approached the entrance, one sighed and went on.
- Hey Johnny, don't you want to come in? - shouted the friend.
- I'd love to, but I don't have a single penny with me.
- What nonsense! Come with us, no one is forcing you to drink.

The Scot says to a friend:
- I bought a very profitable gift for the children - a dachshund. The three of them can pet her at once.
- But after all, the dachshund is so long that when she passes through the door, it will let in the cold.
- No, she can walk on her hind legs!

A conversation between two Scots:
- What are you doing?
- I'm learning Braille for the blind.
- Why do you need it? Are you losing your eyesight?
- Not. It's just that I will be able to read without turning on the electricity.

The Scot tells a friend:
- Yesterday I was at the circus, and a terrible thing happened there. The tiger bit the tamer.
- So what, did you have to pay extra for a sensation?
- No, I didn't have to.
- Well, then I don't understand what's so terrible about it.

A Scots boy came into the store, handed the owner a pot and said:
- Give me twenty pence worth of honey here.
Well, the owner poured. The boy takes the pot and says:
- And dad will bring you money tomorrow
- I know your "tomorrow"!
He took away the pot, poured out the honey and put the kid out the door. And he walked around the corner, looked into the pot and said:
- Hey, dad was right. Enough for a couple of sandwiches!

A Scot comes to the resort, and immediately it starts to rain. On the fourth day of such weather, the Scot began to get ready to go home. The owner of the hotel was surprised:
- What's the matter?
- And you still ask? Look at this weather!
- But it can also rain at you place.
- You know, our rain is cheaper.