Ship Jokes

The boat of the American coast guard is patrolling near the coast. Fog, not a damn thing to see. Suddenly in the fog a silhouette appears. The commander grabs a megaphone and shouts:
- Define yourself immediately!
...
- I said, immediately define yourself, otherwise I'll smash you all to hell!
...
- Another thirty seconds, and I open fire!
Lazy voice from the fog:
- Open fire when you're ready. In front of you is the battleship "Missouri"

A new cabin boy got a job on the ship. In the evening he enters the wardroom - and there, on the wall, a naked woman is painted, bending down, and a hole was drilled in the wall. A queue of sailors to her:
- Can I do it too?
- Of course!
He did it...
- Wow! Feels like alive! Can I come tomorrow?
- Sure...
- And the day after tomorrow?
- Come on, come on!
- And the day after tomorrow?
- No, you cannot!
- And why?!
- After the day after tomorrow, it's your turn to stand behind the painting.

Liverpool, XVII century, port tavern. An old sea wolf without an eye, without a leg and without an arm (with a prosthesis in the form of a hook) and a cloud of young sailors are sitting at the table and drinking rum.
- Old man, where did you lose your leg?
- In short, lads, there was a case near Cuba. The Spanish gallion was taken, chock-full of gold. We were going to board, I had already prepared, climbed over the side, and then a wave threw our ship up, crashed, and I did not have time to react, and my leg was torn off ...
- How was it with your hand?
- It was in the Mediterranean. They took a Turkish galley with women for their Sultan. Well, boarding, while the guys were cutting the Turks, I went straight to the hold to the women. Well, I stared at the beauty, and then a eunuch, a bastard, cut off my hand with a scimitar ...
- Well, what about the eye?
- Yes, it happend here, on the pier ...
- How?
- The seagull shat, and I forgot that I have a hook ...

Captain, we're sinking!
- Distance to the nearest land?
- 3 nautical miles!
- In which direction?
- In the vertical!

Captain! There's a hole in the ship!
- Where?
- On the left side, below the waterline.
- Ah, then nothing, not noticeable there.

From the diary of a lady traveling on a liner across the Atlantic Ocean.
- Monday. Passing by me, the captain smiled kindly at me.
- Tuesday. In the morning the captain invited me to the captain's bridge...
- Wednesday. Today the captain made me an indecent proposal.
- Thursday. The captain threatens to sink the ship if I do not give in to his harassment.
- Friday. How happy I am... This night I managed to save four hundred passengers from certain death, including many women and children!

The ship passes a small island in the ocean, on which a bearded man shouts something, waving his arms frantically.
- Who is it? - a passenger asks the captain.
- I have no idea. Every year we pass here and he goes crazy like that.

Passenger on the ship:
- Captain, I don't want to disturb you, but an hour ago my wife fell overboard.

The pirates have captured the ship. The captain says:
- Throw all women overboard, and the men - into the hold, then we will fuck them.
- But men don't fuck! - the women screamed.
- Fuck, fuck! - the men object.

The admiral liked to give the most unexpected commands. Having once boarded the ship, he took off his cap, threw it on the deck and announced to the sailors:
- This is a bomb. Your actions?
One young sailor, without thinking twice, kicked his cap so that it fell into the water. Everyone held their breath, waiting for the admiral's reaction. He pointed to the floating cap and gave a new command:
- Man overboard!