Miscellaneous Jokes – Funny Random Humor

A mother teaches her 17-year-old daughter how to avoid being raped:
- Imagine that you are walking down the street at night, and a suspicious man is following you. Your actions?
- I will quickly turn to him, pull down his trousers and pull up my skirt.
- Are you crazy?
- And who do you think runs faster, is it he with his trousers down or me with my skirt up?

There is a billboard at the gas station: "Whoever buys a full tank of gas has the right to participate in the lottery! The prize is free sex!"
Two men drive up, fill up a full tank, come up to pay. At the same time, they are interested in whether it is possible to try their luck. The owner explains that the rules are very simple: he thinks of a number from 1 to 10, whoever guesses it wins.
Man:
- Seven!
The owner:
- No, I thought of the number two, try again another time.
A week later, the same picture.
Man:
- Three!
Owner:
- Unfortunately, I thought of five, maybe next time you'll be lucky.
The men drive off from the gas station, and one says:
- Something suspicious, some kind of lottery. Maybe he's just a crook?
Second:
- No, what are you! Last week my wife won twice!

An elderly man from Florida owned a farm for many years. In the backyard there was a small pond, near which fruit trees grew, there were picnic tables, etc. This pond was built for swimming.
One evening, the old man decided to go for a walk to the pond, where he had not been for a long time, and check how things were going there. He took a large bucket with him to pick fruits for himself. As he approached the pond, he heard screams and cheerful laugh. Coming closer, he saw that several girls were having fun, swimming in his pond. Seeing him, they squealed and swam away to the far end of the pond.
One of the girls called out to the farmer, "We won't leave the pond until you're gone!"
The old man frowned. "I didn't come here to watch you swim around naked, and I didn't come here to kick you out of the pool with no clothes on."
Raising the bucket, he continued, "I just came here to feed the Alligator...

Satan appeared to the mediocre writer and told him the following:
- You are a mediocre writer and you will never write anything good, but I can help you! You will write 5 novels a year for 5 years and each of them will be a bestseller and will be printed in a million copies. But for this, all your relatives will die. Do not rush to answer, think... Tomorrow I will come for an answer.
With these words, he disappeared.
The writer stayed and began to think...
- So! So I will write 5 bestsellers a year for 5 years and each of them will be published in a million copies. But all my relatives will perish.
- One more time... It means that for 5 years I will write 25 novels and each of them will become a bestseller and sell a million copies. But all my relatives will perish.
- Damn! Where is the catch???

A question in the mommies group:
- I missed it, and my son was born on August 1, when Mercury was still in retrograde. I'm very worried - please help me figure out how this can affect the fate of my son. Thank you in advance.
Response:
- Mercury in retrograde in this situation is a very alarming state. There is a high probability that the child will be raised by a dumb mother.

Two friends are sitting in a cafe.
- I noticed that all people have their oddities - says one of them.
- I don't have them - the second answers
- Yes, you do have them.
- What are they?
- I noticed that you stir the tea with your right hand
- So what?
- And most people use a spoon for this ...

Three old women are sitting on a bench. One says:
- I'm already 60, and have all my teeth. Knock on wood, so as not to jinx it.
The second says:
- I'm already 65, and my hair is as thick as in my youth. Knock on wood not to jinx it.
The third:
- What are you bragging about! I have no teeth, and my hair is sparse and gray. And I'm older than you - I'm 70, and I'm still a virgin! Knock on wood, so as not to jinx it.

The husband needs to answer nature's call big time. He took a newspaper to read - and went to the washroom. A minute passed - he jumps out of the washroom with pants down, yells with obscenity and rushes around the apartment. The household is horrified - they don't understand anything. The analysis of the incident showed that:
1) there were mice in the apartment;
2) one of them was drowning in the toilet and fought with all her might for her life;
3) the shadow over the toilet bowl and the "straw" hanging down to the water were accepted by her with gratitude - she dug into the saving agent with all her claws and teeth;
4) the sensations of the rescuer are described above.

Fishing competitions are over. The correspondent asks the winners what their secret is.
3rd place winner: - I work as a surgeon. Once I tried to fish with a human appendix. The fish liked it very much. Pike, carp and chub are especially good for appendix.......
2nd place winner: - I also work in a hospital. I remove tonsils. And I also once tried to catch on the tonsils. The result exceeded all expectations. Perch, crucian carp, ruff love tonsils...
Question to the winner: - Well, you probably also work as a doctor...?
Winner: - Oh, don't me laugh! I am the rabbi of the local synagogue....

In Paris, a man applies to the patent office. He says that he invented a motor for cars that runs not on gasoline, but on water. They checked it, it really works.
They began to draw up an invention, they told him:
- In principle, we can offer you two alternative options - either to design as one invention, or as two - a motor on water and water as fuel. Are you a fuel specialist?
- Yes, I worked with oil in Saudi Arabia for many years. There, by the way, I made this invention there.
- Why didn't you patent your invention there?
- I've tried. But when I described my invention to them, they also offered me two alternatives.
- Which ones?
- Hanging or quartering.