Our Newest Jokes – Fresh Funny Humor

A visitor came to Sherlock Holmes in a shabby suit, a rumpled top hat and a shirt with frayed cuffs and began to ask for help, but Holmes refused him. When the visitor left, Watson attacked the detective:
- You never refused to help the poor!
- Yes, but he was not poor! He had 123 pounds and 15 pence in his wallet.
- How do you know?
- Well, let's count together again...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson set off to hike. Night finds them in the forest. Putting up a tent, the travelers went to bed. At night, both wake up, Holmes asks Watson:
- What do the stars above us tell you?
- They tell me that the weather will be fine tomorrow, and you?
- And they tell me that our tent was stolen.

- Sherlock Holmes, with your talents you could have put all London criminals behind prison bars a long time ago. Why haven't you done this yet?
- Elementary Watson! If I do, then who will I buy opium for my pipe?

Watson, I'm sure that in the morning you were in a hurry and now you are wearing striped shorts!
- Yes, Holmes, but, damn it, how did you guess that?
- Elementary Watson, you forgot to put on your trousers!

Watson asks Sherlock Holmes:
- Did you really see the Hound of the Baskervilles?
To which Holmes handed his pipe to Watson and said:
- Try it, Watson, you will see things even weirder than that!

- What is that awful howl, Holmes, the Hound of the Baskervilles?
- No, it's Sir Henry being fed oatmeal!

- Tell me, Holmes, how to solve a crime?
- Find who benefits from it!
- What if everyone benefits?
- Then it's not like it's a crime!

Watson comes home on Baker Street. Sitting in an armchair, Holmes says to him:
- Watson, I still don't understand how, with all your integrity, you could get into a fight on Park Lane?
- But damn it, Holmes, how did you know about it?
- Elementary. You have the mark of my boot on your forehead.

A black man lies under a palm tree and waits for a banana to fall on him, and when it falls, he will eat it. A white man walks nearby and says to the black:
- Listen, why are you lying here under a tree and waiting for bananas? Take a stick, knock down a few pieces, go to the market and sell them...
- Well, what's next?
- Don't you see!? If you get money, you will hire a dozen more men like you, who will knock bananas from palm trees, and you will only have to sell them ...
- Well, what's next?
- What are you, stupid or something!?!! You will have even more money - hire a hundred workers, plant a thousand palm trees and you will have a huge banana plantation.
- Well, what's next?
- Well, you're an idiot! You will have a lot of money, you don't need to work yourself - lie down and eat bananas!
- Well, you are stupid, white! This is what I'm doing right now...

A young man is hopelessly in love. He suffers because she does not love him.
He sits on the bank of the river and turns to God, and God suddenly responds.
- Why are you sad, my son?
- Yes, I love my Olivia. I suffer. And she pays no attention to me. And I have no life without her. I am about to drown myself.
- How can I help you, my son?
- Make me a little prettier. Maybe she likes me that way?
- OK. Ask.
- Give me a nose like Aristotle's, otherwise mine is some kind of snub-nosed and ugly.
- Good. Done.
- And make the lips more plump, the chin is a little more manly. She loves this one.
- Done.
- Make me higher. I want to be tall and slim. She likes those.
- Done.
- And more muscles everywhere. Like I'm an athlete. Olivia will be delighted.
- Done.
- Can you give me a car? Porsche 999? Her favorite car.
- Done. What else?
- Well ... (he hesitated) I would like to have a little more brains. To solve crossword puzzles together.
- Brains are good. Done.
The guy examined himself from all sides, looked at the car and shouted "Hey!" and ran to the car.
God:
- Stop. Where are you, my son? She's still at work.
- Who? Olivia? Screw her, why the hell do I need her. Can't I find a normal woman with such a car and body?!
- Oh! - God sighed. - We should have started with his brains right away.