Our Newest Jokes – Fresh Funny Humor

The husband dresses, preens, and is about to leave the house.
- Where are you headed? - the wife asks.
- To the horse racing.
- Then hurry up. Your horse has already called twice.

The wife answers the phone. The husband asks:
- Who called?
- Remember, nine months ago you went fishing to catch trout? One of the trout called and said you are a father.

Jean invites Gaston to dinner on the occasion of his wedding anniversary and explains how he can find their apartment:
- You will go into the courtyard, enter the right entrance, take the elevator and go up to the fourth floor. There you will press the bell button with your elbow and, when the door opens, you will push it with your foot.
- But why the hell do I have to use my elbow and leg? - the friend is surprised.
- Yes, because, I hope, you will not come to us empty-handed ...

A man with a dog was walking along a long, wild, tiring road. He was walking for a long time, he was tired, the dog was tired too. Suddenly, in front of him was an oasis!
Beautiful gates, behind the fence - music, flowers, the murmur of a stream, in a word, rest.
- What it is? the traveler asked the porter.
- This is heaven, you have already died, and now you can enter and rest for real.
- Is there water there?
- As much as you like: clean fountains, cool pools...
- Will they give you food?
- Whatever you want.
- But I have a dog with me.
- I'm sorry, sir, dogs are not allowed. It must be left here.

And the traveler went by .. After a while the road led him to the farm. The porter also sat at the gate.
- I'm thirsty, - the traveler asked.
- Come in, there is a well in the yard.
- And my dog?
- Near the well you will see a drinking bowl.
- What about food?
- I can take you to dinner.
- And the dog?
- There is a bone.
- What is this place?
- It is heaven.
- How so? The porter at the palace nearby told me that heaven was there.
- He's lying. There is hell.
- How do you, in paradise, endure this?
- It is very useful for us. Only those who do not abandon their friends reach heaven."

A man went to hang himself. An archangel descends to him and asks:
- Man, why are you hanging yourself, isn't it good to drink beer?
- Good!
- Isn't it good to go fishing?
- Good!
- Is it not good to have fun with girls?
- Okay, but what's the point, what's the sense of all of this?
- Ah, you still need sense! Well, then go hang yourself!

Grandfather is dying. He calls his sons and says:
- Children, before I die, I want to give you one piece of advice. Bring a broom.
Children bring a broom to their father.
- Take it apart into individual rods and try to break them.
The children dismantled the broom and easily broke the rods.
- And now - says the father - collect the rods and try to break them when they are together.
Children easily broke the broom.
And then the father says to them:
- Oh, fuck you! Such a clever idea was trashed, bastards!
And died.

A guy and a girl after a spending a night of making love ... The guy is about to leave, and suddenly, near the exit, he sees a photograph of a man ...
He's asking:
- Honey, who is he?
- Let's not talk about it...
- I love you so much, trust me, I will understand everything ...
- Well, it's me in the past!

The plane crashes. Only one stewardess remains alive, having jumped with a parachute. She landed on a desert island. Tired from everything she experienced, she falls asleep. She wakes up - a man is sitting next to her, frying meat.
She:
- Who are you? Where did it come from?
- Yes, I am a criminal. I was left alone on this island 15 years ago, they thought I would die. And I, managed to survive, indulge in meat.
- Oh, and I would eat!
- And what will you give in exchange for meat?
- Well, I can give you that you haven't tried it for 15 years!
The man jumps up, rushes to hug her
- My dear! You are my desire! Have you brought booze?!

Two cars coming towards each other on a narrow alley in London. They stop against each other. Neither driver wants to give way. The driver of the first car takes out the Times newspaper and begins to read. An hour later the second driver politely addresses him:
- When you finish reading, sir, please lend me the paper.

Two gentlemen talking after a dinner party:
- Tell me, sir, why today during dinner you constantly kissed the hand of that lady who was sitting on your
left?
- You see, sir, they forgot to put my napkin.