Dark Humor Joke

The doctor on the round says to the patient:
- I have two news for you: good and bad. Which one to start with?
- Start with the bad.
- We cut off your right leg instead of your left.
- Well, and the good one?
- The good news is we didn't have to cut the left leg either.

A hare is walking through the forest and crying. Other animals ask him:
- Why are you crying, hare?
- My wife is dead.
- Who was your wife?
- Elephant.
Everyone laughed. And the hare says:
- Yes, it's funny to you, and I have to dig a grave.

A man run into the doctor's office with a fork in his stomach:
- Doctor, help!
- I can not! My workday is over.
- Doctor, do at least something.
The doctor pulls out the fork from the stomach and sticks it in his eye:
- Go to the eye doctor - he works till 9 pm today.

A stutterer is standing on the street, looking at the open hatch and a blind man is walking with a stick. He yells at him:
- M-m-m-m-mister!
That one falls into the hole.
- Aaah, sh-sh-shit!

Two men were washed up on a desert island after a plane crash.
One says:
- I wish there was also a woman with u.
Second:
- Yes, hot one.
The first:
- Yes, and with a fried crust ...

- The doctor prescribed to my friend therapeutic fasting ... And do you know how much money he saved? And for the coffin, and for the funeral, and there was even something left to his kids.

Before the execution, the condemned turns to the executioner:
- I refuse to put my head on this chopping block, make it two times lower.
- What do you not like? - the executioner is surprised.
- The fact is, if my head falls from such a height, then a concussion cannot be avoided!

The worker fell off the scaffolding. His partner shouts after him:
- Push it, Peter! A brick is flying behind you!

A family of cannibals is sitting by the fire. The father scooped up a spoon in the cauldron, took a sip for a sample, turns to his wife and suddenly hits her. She is in tears, and he tells her:
- How many times do I tell you: when you put meat in soup - take off socks!

A married couple is driving along a suburban highway. They are not in a hurry, the speed is 60 kilometers. The husband is driving. The wife, sitting on the right, turns to him and says:
- Dear, we have been married for 15 years, but today I decided to tell you that I want a divorce.
The husband does not answer anything, only gradually increases the speed to 70 kilometers.
- And I don't want you to dissuade me, it's already decided. I sleep with your best friend, and he is a much better lover than you.
Again, the husband does not answer, but increases the speed to 80 kilometers per hour.
- I'm taking our house away from you.
The husband is driving at 90.
- And children.
Now the speedometer is already at 100 kilometers.
- And also all your money and the car.
The husband is silent, only gradually begins to direct the car to the support of the nearest bridge on the road.
- Do you need anything? the wife asks.
- No, I have everything I need, - the husband finally replies.
- And what is that?
And a second before the car hits the concrete wall, he replies:
- Airbag.