Englishmen Jokes – Funny England Humor

Lord Norman returned home unexpectedly and found his janitor in the drawing room, who, sitting in an armchair in his dressing gown, was smoking his cigar and drinking his whisky.
- James, - growled the lord, - why don't you, at the same time, climb into my wife's bedroom ?!
- I wouldn't mind, - replied James, - but we have to wait until the gardener comes out of there ...

In London, in a bar, two people sit at a table and drink. One asks:
- What is your nationality?
- I'm Irish!
- Me too!
Let's drink to Ireland!
They drank.
- What city are you from?
- From Dublin.
I'm from Dublin too!
Let's drink to Dublin!
They drank.
- What street did you live on?
- On Independence Street.
- What a coincidence! Me too.
Let's drink to Independence Street! They drank.
The owner of the bar comes in and asks the bartender:
- How are you?
- Fine. Only the Robertson twins got drunk again.

Knock on the door.
- Who's there?
- Barrymore, sir.
- What you need?
- A glass of water, sir.
- Take it.
Half an hour later there is another knock on the door.
- Who's there?
- Barrymore, sir.
What do you need again?
- A glass of water, sir?
- Yes, but why?
- Fire, sir.

- I found out that my wife is bisexual, - one gentleman says to another.
- My God, this is terrible! I wouldn't be able to stand it. Sex twice a year!

In the evening, a certain English lord got lost in the forest. Well, what to do, he began to yell. From his cry, the bear woke up in the den, approached him and said:
- Why are you screaming, sir?
- I wanted to be heard.
- You have achieved your goal, sir, but will it give you pleasure?

Two English lords meet.
- You know, sir, I have such a suspicion that my wife is cheating on me with the gardener.
- Why?
- I go into her bedroom, and on the bed next to my wife I find a rose.
- Yeah ... And I have such a suspicion that my wife is cheating on me with a plumber.
- Why?
- I go into her bedroom, and on the bed next to my wife I find ...
- What?
- A plumber!

An Englishman who has returned from a family holiday in Australia shares his impressions with his friend:
- Wonderful country! Where we lived, there was everything you could want. Bars for me, beautiful beach for kids, sunshine for my wife, and a shark for my mother-in-law.

London. An English gentleman's office. The door swings open, the butler tumbles in:
- Flood!
- Come out and report as expected.
The butler comes out, closes the door behind him, after a few minutes opens the door with the words:
- Thames, sir!

In the English club.
- Gentlemen, a curious thing happened to me yesterday. Imagine: a cold rainy evening, I'm sitting by the fireplace. Unexpectedly, there is a knock on the door. I open it and see a lovely lady, soaking wet from the rain...
- So, what is next?
- Of course I let her in. She was shivering with cold and asked for whiskey, but it did not warm her either, and she asked permission to sit on my lap.
- Well?!
- I swear, gentlemen, it won't be half a year before she'll be mine!

Three English businessmen were having dinner at the club. When it came time to pay the bill, everyone reached for it.
- Business expenses, - one said.
- I'll pay, - said another. - I have a government contract, they will reimburse me.
- Give it here, - insists the third. - I'm filing for bankruptcy this week.