Marriage Jokes

A girl comes to her boyfriend.
She says:
- I have two news for you: good and bad.
He:
- Start with a good one.
She:
- I won't have my period for nine months.

A guy meets a girl:
- Let's go to my house, listen to my collection of music records.
- All right, but only on the condition that we only listen to the recordings.
- I give you my word of honor.
- What if I don't like them?
- Then you can get up, get dressed and go home.

One girl had a jealous boyfriend. And he was jealous with or without reason. Wherever she goes, he must know what and with who. And she had one addiction - she loved to sing and even went to additional vocal classes. The teacher was a pimply and shy young man.
During one lesson, he, having listened to her singing, blushed and asked:
- Excuse me .. May I ask if are not having those days by chance?
The girl was taken aback and said that yes, it was today that they started. She also asked him how he figured it out. The young man, blushing, explained that it was immediately audible - they say, on such days the voice changes. The lesson was interrupted, but the girl remembered this curious fact.
And now, after a while, her jealous boyfriend asks:
- You have singing class today. Let me take you?
She, unaware of anything, says:
- I won't go today. I have started menstruation.
You can imagine the jealous reaction.

- Darling, come on...
- I can't when he's watching.
- Who?
- Cat.
- That's it. He's in the kitchen. Let's start!
- I cant.
- What else?
- Hamster.
- He is the cage in the corner, because of the closet he does not see anything.
- I want him to watch.

One girl says:
- It was terrible! Imagine, he took me to his house, immediately jumped to bed, after 5 minutes he finished and fell asleep. What a nightmare!
The other girl says:
- Oh, and for me, everything was like in a dream! We went to a restaurant and drank amazing wine. We went to his place, two hours of foreplay, an hour of sex itself, and then another hour talking about everything! Super!

At the same time, two men meet at the other end of the city.
- It was a great evening! We immediately went to my place, she didn't demand any of that nonsence, we jumped into bed, had sex, I fell asleep, had a good night's sleep, the mood is excellent!
- And I have some kind of horror. I had to drag myself to a restaurant - there the waiter, damn it, brought the most expensive wine. I felt uncomfortable, had to take it. Then we came home - my dick did not cooperate for 2 hours, then I couldn't cum for an hour, then I couldn't fall asleep for an hour ...

A young man approaches a modestly standing girl:
- Girl, I want to date you!
- Yes... but I'm shy...
- Well, girl, I really want to meet you!
- But I'm shy...
The frustrated young man rolls off to the side. Girl tells in his back:
- Ha! He wanted just as much as I was shy.

A lady comes to a sexologist and complains that her husband has cooled off ...
Doctor and says:
- Here are the newest, experimental pills for you ...
Even the tests have not yet been completed ...
Give two pills - then tell how it worked ...
A lady comes running two days later:
- Doctor, it's a miracle! It helped! After he took the pills - twenty minutes later, we had sex twice at once, then three more times in the evening, I woke up twice at night, then in the morning before work, then at lunchtime - I didn't even have time to eat, I came home from work - once more, then he had a little shack and before he died twice more. .."

Matrimonial bed - husband and wife:
Wife: - Dear, let's play role-playing games?
Husband: Sure!
Wife: - You are a taxi driver, and I am a young, pretty girl who arrived, but I do not have money with me to pay for the fare.
Husband: OK.
Wife: - Mister taxi driver, I have no money to pay the fare, please let me go!
Husband: Sure, go...

She asks him:
- Tell me, why if a guy had a lot of girls, he is a macho, and if a girl has a lot of guys, she is slut?
He answers:
- You see, if one key opens many locks - this is an awesome key! And if all the keys fit one lock, then this is definitely a shitty lock!

Two ladies are talking about marriage.
- It seems to me, - says one, - that marriage is like a mirage in the desert - with palaces, palm trees and camels. Then the palace disappears, then palm trees fade, and finally, you are left with one camel.