Pet Jokes

The hostess is walking around the yard, and there is a huge cat lying. The hostess says:
- Oooh! You lying here, you have everything - both food and water, you do nothing, you bask in the sun all day long! I would like such a life!
The cat lies and thinks:
- You drowned my son, you sterilized my wife, you castrated me. I wish you would have such a life!

At the entrance to the pet store there is a cage with a parrot. A man walks by.
Parrot:
- Hey, man!
- What?
- Go f... yourself!
The man was offended and went to the administration of the store and snitched, the parrot was punished. The next day he goes again, but he is already looking at the parrot and waiting ...
Almost turned the corner but the parrot suddenly speaks:
- Hey, man!
- What?
- Well, you understand, yes?

The burglar climbed into the apartment, looked around - there seemed to be no one there. Well, he thinks it's okay, he can work. Only from one cabinet he tried to open a drawer, suddenly someone says:
- Jesus sees everything ...
The burglar crouched down in fear. He looked around cautiously, no one was there. Okay, it seemed. Again, a voice reached out to this box and again:
- Jesus sees everything ...
He looked around more closely and suddenly notices a cage with a parrot in the corner. He asks that:
- Is it you talking here?
Parrot: - Me!
Housekeeper (completely calmed down): - What is your name?
Parrot (proudly): - Jeremiah!..
Burglar: What kind of idiot called you Jeremiah?
Parrot: And the same idiot who called our pit bull Jesus... Get him!

A man came to the pet store.
- Give me some little animal, but talking.
- Take this centipede.
- Does it really talk?
- Well, of course.
A man bought a centipede and brought it home. In the evening:
- Let's go for a walk!
...
- They lied, bastards!
- Well, why are you shouting, I'm putting on my shoes.

A man bought a monkey in the market for 500 bucks and wanted to teach her to talk. He was unsuccessful, but taught it only one word "of course." "Well," - he thought, - "Why do I need such a monkey!" He took it back to the market to sell.
Another man comes and asks:
- How much does a monkey cost?
- 1000 bucks.
- Why is it so expensive?
- But it can talk.
- Do not lie!
- Come and ask yourself.
Well, he comes up and asks:
- Can you speak?
The monkey:
- Of course.
The man bought it, brought it home, put it on the table, asked:
- Do you want a drink?
The monkey:
- Of course.
- Will you smoke?
- Of course.
- Will you eat?
- Of course.
- Are you going to have my wife?
- Of course.
"Well," he thought, "What the heck is such a monkey!" He carried it to sell to the market. A poor gold digger approaches him:
- How much does a monkey cost?
- 2000 bucks.
- Why is it so expensive?
- It knows where the treasure is.
- Do not lie!
- Come and ask yourself.
He comes up and asks:
- Do you know where the treasure is buried?
The monkey:
- Of course.
He bought it, brought it home, put it on the table, opened the map (point with a finger):
- Here??
The monkey:
- Of course.
He took the monkey, went to the North, drove almost to the North Pole. Asks:
- Should I dig here?
- Of course.
Ripped the snowdrift.
- Maybe deeper?
- Of course.
- Or maybe wider?
- Of course.
- Or maybe you're lying?
- Of course.
- And if I punch you in the face???
Monkey :
- No need!"

The woman calls the vet:
- Doctor, my cat is sick. She became lethargic and bloated.
The vet looked and said:
- She's pregnant!
Doctor, this can't be!
- Maybe you let her out for a walk, or a cat lives in your house, or climbed from a neighboring balcony?
- No!
Suddenly a huge cat comes out of the next room.
- You said you don't have a cat!
- Doctor, how could you even think of this! It's her brother!

Three cats meet and argue which of them is lazier.
- The first one: Yesterday I was lying on the floor, and a sausage fell from the table. So I was too lazy to come up and eat it ...
- The second: And yesterday the hostess put a saucer of milk under my nose, and I'm too lazy to lap ...
- Then the third says: Did you hear the screams yesterday? So I stepped on my egg. It hurt a lot, but I was too lazy to raise my paw ...

The lady in the store wants to buy a parrot.
- Well, you fool, can you talk? - she asks one of them.
- Of course, you, old scarecrow, but you, can you fly?

A salesman returns from a business trip and is horrified to hear one of his two parrots repeating in a sweet voice:
"Hug me, dear, hug me, dear."
In a fit of jealousy, the salesman beats his wife, and the next day leaves for work.
Upon returning home, he does not find the informing parrot in place. When asked where he is, the wife replies that the parrot must have burned out of love.
Then the salesman asks the second parrot, which remained in the cage:
- Tell me what happened.
- I will speak, - the parrot answers, - But only away from the stove and in the presence of my lawyer!

The dog thinks: The man takes care of me, feeds me, gives me water, gives me shelter. He must be God!
The cat thinks: The man takes care of me, feeds me, gives me water, gives me shelter. I guess I'm God!