Religious Jokes

Adam and Eve are frolicking in the garden, God comes down to them and says:
- My children, I have two gifts for you, only you have to decide who gets what... The first gift is ability to pee while standing ..
Well, Adam yelled the loudest and beat his head against the trees that he wants to pee while standing, which he has dreamed of all his life. Eve yielded to him .. And Adam ran around the garden, rejoiced, jumped, shouted, pissed on everything! On trees, on flowers, on every bug and just on the ground! Eve stood next to God .. In silence, they looked together at this madness .. And then Eve asked:
- My God, and what is the second gift? ..
And God said:
- Brains, Eva.. Brains..! But the brains, Eva, will also have to be given to Adam, otherwise he will piss everything here!

Once four rabbis were walking in the park and arguing on one biblical topic. It turned out that three rabbis were against one. Then that one began to pray fervently.
- God, I know I'm right! Please give me some sign so they know I'm right!
Immediately the sky was overcast with clouds and thunder struck. BOOM!!!
- You see, - the rabbi shouted, - God says I'm right!
- Thunder is no proof! - the three say. - Maybe it's just a coincidence!
The rabbi stretched out his hands to the sky and said loudly:
- Good God, please give me one more sign! I beg you!
And then, BOOM! lightning strikes the neighboring tree.
- Look! See! I'm right!
Those three:
- So what! When there is a thunderstorm, there is always lightning! Not proof!
Then that rabbi shouted with the last of his strength:
- Lord, give me a more significant sign, otherwise they will not believe!
And then the clouds dispersed, and the Voice of God from heaven said:
- HE IS RIGHT!!!
Those three:
- So what?! This still makes three against two!

"A man came to the temple. He forgot to turn off the phone, which rang during prayer. The priest scolded him. People who prayed scolded him after prayer for breaking the silence. All the way home, his wife reprimanded him for his inattention. On his face could be seen shame, confusion and humiliation.
After this incident, the man was never seen again in the temple. And that evening he went to a bar. This man was still nervous and his hands were trembling. He accidentally spilled his drink on the table. The waiter apologized and gave him a napkin to dry off. The cleaner mopped the floor. The manager of the bar offered him another drink at the expense of the establishment. At the same time, he said: ""Don't worry, man. Everyone makes mistakes."
From that day on, he went to the bar every night."

The inventor of the Porsche car dies and appears in heaven before the Saint Peter, who tells him:
- Ferdinand Porsche, for your great services in the automotive industry, I will fulfill your every wish.
He thinks and answers:
- Let me talk to the Lord.
Saint Peter nods, leads him into the Throne Room and introduces him to God.
Porsche asks him:
- Great God, what were you thinking about when you created a woman?
- What do you mean? - the Lord wonders.
- You see, - Porsche answers, - your invention is full of errors. Take a look yourself:
The aerodynamics of the front part leaves much to be desired. The noise level is prohibitively high. It requires breaks in operation five to six days a month. The back is too loose. She should constantly update her style. The exhaust pipe is too close to the filling valve. Searchlights are often too large. Depreciation costs are prohibitively high. Repair costs are incomparable with the benefits of subsequent use.
The Lord thinks and answers:
- Ferdinand, it may very well be true, but according to statistics, more men use my invention than yours.

A man is playing golf.
- Damn it! Missed again! - he cursed when he was unlucky.
- You can't say that. The Lord will hear and strike you with heavenly lightning! - the pastor, who had happened nearby, said instructively.
And indeed lightning flashed and struck... the pastor.
- Damn it! Missed again! - came from heaven ...

In the church:
- Father, what to do? - I was raped.
- Cut six lemons and eat without sugar, my daughter.
- And what, again I will become a virgin?
- No, you won't become a virgin, but at least the bliss will come off your face.

A man is on his way to a meeting, he's late, he's nervous, he can't find a parking spot.
He raises his face to the sky and says:
- God, help me find a parking spot. I'll quit drinking. I will go to church every Sunday!
Suddenly, miraculously, a free space appears. The man again refers to the sky:
- Oh, no, you don't have to trouble. I found it!

Lesson "Fundamentals of Religion" in Catholic school.
The teacher says:
- And remember, children! Those who will study for "As" and "Bs" will go to heaven. And those who will study for "Ds" and "Cs"" - to hell!
A boy from the back desk:
"Mr. Johnson, can't you finish school alive?

From Adam's conversation with God:
- Do you feel sorry for just one rib?
- No, it's just I have a bad feeling about this...

- Adam, why did you return so late? who did you spend this evening with?
- Well, What are you thinking? After all, Eve, there are only two of us In paradise.
... but when Adam falls asleep, every night, Eve counts his ribs just In case.