Scottish Jokes

The Scot met a charming girl and decided to drag her into bed at any cost. To guarantee himself success, he decided to invite her to a restaurant.
Girl says:
- I know one very good restaurant, I will be very glad if you invite me there.
The Scot, of course, suspected something was wrong about the prices in the restaurant, but still agreed. When they arrived at the restaurant and the Scot looked at the menu, he realized that his suspicions were more than justified.
The waiter comes up and asks:
- Would you like an aperitif?
Young woman:
- For me, please, this cocktail, - and points to the menu.
The Scot sees that this cocktail costs $ 20, and he becomes uneasy. However, he is silent. Then the waiter brings a cocktail, and the girl says to him again:
- Now, please, crab salad.
The Scot looks at the menu - dear mother! - it costs $30. But even here he doesn't show it. After that, the girl orders a sturgeon barbecue worth as much as $50! The Scot almost faints, but still calms himself with the thought of the upcoming night of love. Then he asks her:
- Do you have such a good appetite all the time?
- No, only during menstruation.

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are in a pub, each enjoying their favorite pint.
Three gnats buzz in, one landing in each of the pints
The Englishman hails the bartender and says,
- I dare say, good sir, a gnat has landed in my pint and I simply cannot finish it! Be a good chap and pour me another.
The Irishman looks at the gnat in his pint, shrugs, and finishes it anyway.
The Scotsman see the gnat in his own pint, angrily plucks it out by the wing and shouts:
Spit it out ye wee bastard! Spit it out!

A conversation between two Scots:
- Did you hear Smith had a fight with his wife?
- What didn't they share?
- He bought a used tombstone and demanded that his wife change her name...

The Scot lost a hundred pounds in the evening and plaintively turned to his poker partners:
- Guys, help, I beg you! If my wife finds out that I've lost a hundred pounds, she'll rip my head off. - There were tears in his eyes. - I conjure you, return this money to me, otherwise I will not live ...
The partners sighed, grumbled, but took pity on the poor fellow, returned the money to him.
- Guys, - continued the loser, - give me another fifty pounds then, so that she will think that I won.

- your article about a woman who got lost In the mountains and did not eat for forty days aroused unusual interest among readers.
- Really?
- Yes, we have already received about a hundred requests from single Scots who dream of marrying her.

Car rental point. The Scot addresses the owner:
- Tell me, does your Renault use a lot of gasoline per mile?
- One spoon!
- Which one? Tea or table spoon?

A Scotsman rides a train without a ticket and stubbornly refuses to pay the fine. An enraged controller grabs the passenger's suitcase and throws it out the window.
- How far have you come! - the Scot is indignant. - You not only tortured me with your nit-picking, but also threw my son out the window!

A Guide tells tourists when visiting a cave:
- This cave was created by a Scotsman who complained to his relatives that he accidentally dropped a coin into a fox hole.

One hundred twenty nuns lived in a monastery on a secluded Scottish island. In addition to them, three brothers lived on the island. One fine day, the youngest of the brothers was drafted into the army. Returning home, he noticed that many nuns were pregnant.
- How could this happen? - he wondered.
- But you took our condom with you!

The Scot reads a book and turns the lights off and on from time to time.
- What are you doing? - the wife asks.
- You can turn pages even in the dark...